Sunday, February 05, 2006
December 1995 ~ February 4, 2006
My heart is broken, my boy is gone.
Yesterday, I did the one final thing I could do to help my Wyatt. He was ten years old, and after seven years of doing amazingly well in the face of chronic active hepatitis, he was diganosed with nerve sheath tumors with spinal involvement after an MRI trying to figure out why he was in pain.
Prognosis was grave and options were horrid - amputation, laminectomy and intensive daily radiation therapy for a month was basically the only treatment option to consider and that would get me maybe three or six months more with him. After all he's been through, and how brave he has been for his whole life, I couldn't put him through that - I had asked enough of this dog and he had always answered with joy and love. I needed to let him go.
So after the MRI, I brought him home and got busy with super duper narcotic pain management. Sadly, even with lots of good drugs on board he still had much pain. I knew what I was doing was palliative but I just wanted a little more time with him.
By Friday, I knew that I had to let him go. I nearly did it that day but after an extra special drug cocktail he slept soundly and I couldn't go through with it. Later in the night and into the morning, he experienced a great deal more pain and as I gave him more drugs I promised him that I'd make it stop hurting forever.
So we had Saturday together and my friend Halle came over around 6:30 p.m. to help me euthanize him. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I would give anything to have my Wyatt here, healthy and happy. But knowing that he was in such pain and knowing that, barring a real true live miracle, the kind of miracle that makes cancer disappear, he was not going to get better.
I miss my Wyatt Earp and I can't imagine how I'm going to get by without him. Today has been a big horrible empty hole of a day and I feel like that's all there's going to be. I know time will make this easier but today is just awful.
Mommy loves you and will see you again.